I am reading a book. I am reading "Jude the Obscure" by Thomas Hardy. It is a novel that encapsulates the stark bleakness of life.

I look out the window of the airliner as we level off at 30,000 feet. From my economy class window seat on the left side of the plane, I can see the cloud-swaddled orb of the earth hanging far below. I settle in for the long flight to California.

In a soft friendly voice, a flight attendant asks if I would like a cup of coffee. I smile and nod. She expertly pours a steaming cup from an awkward angle and places it beside my arm along with some packets of sugarless sweetener. I mutter a distracted thank-you and return to my book.

I take the paper cup and take a sip only to feel a sharp burn on my lips. I put aside the cup of scalding coffee to cool. As I rub my mouth, I wryly notice the warning on the side of the cup advising of the possibility of hot contents.

I resume reading but I am soon startled by a muffled shout that seemed to come from the front of the plane. I strain to look over the seats in front of me but I see nothing unusual. Other passengers who are sparsely scattered through the rear section with me are also curious. There are no other sounds. The other people return to what they were doing.

I feel concern welling up inside of me. A shout on a passenger plane in flight usually means an out-of-control drunk whose alcohol intake has been amplified by the high altitude.

I unbuckle the seatbelt and move over to the aisle seat and look towards the front of the plane. A blue curtain that divides the economy class section from business class blocks my view.
As I watch, five people from business class are pushed violently through the curtain one by one followed by two men who loudly announce that they have taken command of the aircraft and that we were to sit quietly and that no harm would come to us if we obeyed their instructions.

The men are brown skinned with thick black hair and the one who delivers the announcement speaks with a heavy Arabic accent.
A woman behind me shrieks and begins to hyperventilate. I am stunned. The question "We have been hijacked?" keeps repeating in my mind. "You only read about this stuff", I think to myself. A small hairless man begins to make his way towards the front of the plane talking as he walked. The two hijackers immediately began screaming at him to return to his seat. One of them brandishes a short blade. The small man returns to his seat looking shaken.

I glance through the open curtain behind the burly men and notice the body of the flight attendant lying in an odd position on the floor. I notice the red stains of blood across the front of her white uniform shirt. Beyond her stands a huge man guarding the door to the pilots cabin.

I recoil in shock. Suddenly, I realize that the threat is real.

The two men remain at the front of our section with their hands held as fists. I reach into my pocket and retrieve my cell phone. I sink into my seat to hide behind the seat in front of me and dial my home number.

The call is not answered. I whisper a message. "Hun...there is a problem with my flight to Los Angeles. Leave this line open. I will try phone again in a few minutes.

I peer between the seat to look at the goons. They remain standing silently. I remember that my kids are both going to a doctors appointment instead of attending school.

I try to remember my family doctor's name so that I can get his number from a dial-up phone directory and intercept my wife there.

My memory is blank.

I open my cell phone again and look through the list of incoming calls. I see a call from a family friend who lives close to my home. I dial his number and his wife answers at once. "Janet", I say as slowly as I can. "I'm on a flight to Los Angeles. The plane has been hijacked and I don't know what is going on...."

Janet interrupts. "You are in a hijacked plane??". Her shrill tone is unsettling. She continues. " A plane has just smashed into a building in New York...I am watching it right now on T.V. It just smashed into the Empire State Building". Janet pauses while I absorb the information. "What can I do?" she asks. "Shall I call the police?" I tell her to call the police and I ask her to find my wife. "I think she's got the kids at the doctor's office." I begin to ask Janet to tell my wife that I loved her and that I loved the kids but the phone connection is lost.

I lean back in my chair and try to compose my thoughts.

Some Arabs have hijacked my plane. There are other planes that have been hijacked and one of those planes has crashed into a building in New York. The crash in New York, especially because it involves a famous landmark, suggests a suicide mission. That means that I am likely on an aircraft headed for a suicide mission. Suicide for the Arab men at the front of the plane and murder for us.

I take a deep breath of air. The woman behind me sobs uncontrollably. A male voice nervously tries to reassure her.

I look out the window again. The plane starts to turn unevenly towards the south.

My thoughts turn to my son. He is so young. I am teaching him chess so that I can have a chess opponent in the near future. He almost has the rules of the game down pat but he is still baffled by the erratic moves of the knight. To him, the knight seems to jump and land anywhere it pleases.

In a flash, the most important thing on earth to me is to teach my son the standard knight movements on the chessboard. I look up at the Arab men guarding us. "Those goons will not delay my son's understanding of chess", I think angrily.

The plane has now turned completely around. The rising sun is now to the front of us.

I settle myself to think. I relax my neck muscles and interlock my fingers in front of my face. After a moment of thought, I steal another glance at the two guards and realise that I would not be able to overpower them single-handedly. As discreetly as I am able, I look around the deck to see if there are any potential allies. Two seats from where I am, an elderly lady is knitting something blue. She seems to be unaware of the events occurring around her. A couple of rows further, a pensive woman is sitting stiffly with her arms crossed in front of her. She looks fairly strong. Her eyes meet mine. I nod very slightly. She returns the gesture. She uncrosses her arms and taps the arm of someone sitting beside her just out of my line of sight and whispers something to him. A large red-haired man leans into view. He holds his hand towards me with the palm up and his brows raised. I read his gesture to mean, "Do you have any ideas?" I turned the palm of my hand downwards and swung my thumb and small finger up and down hoping that it would convey the idea that I am working on one but it is still shaky. The man returns a thumbs-up signal and leans back out of view. The red-haired man signals another person. A slim faced man raises his head above the seats and makes eye contact with me.

I crunch the data on everything I know about the situation.
As I mull over the circumstance, I begin to realize that the hijacking plan was very carefully worked out to prevent it from being foiled by passengers. Even if the two rear guards are attacked and overpowered, the third man at the pilot’s cabin could easily hold off an attempt to retake the plane because of the narrow passageway to the door of the cabin. Even if the third man was overpowered, the pilots could still proceed with their mission because the door to their cabin was locked and would probably keep the attempt at bay. Even if the passengers managed to break down the door, the hijacking pilot would still have time to plunge the aircraft into an unrecoverable dive and we would all be lost.

An old maxim comes to my mind. Use your enemy’s strengths against him. I break the situation down to a list of strengths and weakness on both sides of the equation.

Hijacker strengths:-
They are not afraid of death.
They probably hate infidels
They likely have been specifically physically conditioned for the hijacking.
They are armed.
They are confident.
They are young.
They are very fearful of their god and will blindly do what they think he demands.
They have strong incentives to be martyrs (most likely the lure of seventy virgins)

Hijacker Weaknesses:-
They hate pigs.
They despise women and consider them filthy.

Passenger weaknesses:-
We are afraid of death and pain.
We have a lot to lose in the way of families.
We are not conditioned for the ordeal.
We are un-armed.
We are older

Passenger Strengths:-
We are calm.
Some of us are smart and ambitious (Why are we on the first flight to Los Angeles?)
We have no loyalty to the Islamic god.

I analyse each article on my list. I rearrange a few items. I realise that the hijacker's commitment to their religion can be used against them. I also realise their specific training for the hijacking could be overcome by using a non-conventional tactics. I also see how their youth can mean inexperience and how their confidence can make them reckless. I moved all these strengths into the weakness column.

The woman behind me begins sobbing again. I am distracted by the noise but I see how the crying woman keeps the hijackers confident that the passengers are subdued.

Apart from the sobbing passenger, everyone else remains calm.

I look at the passenger weakness list again. The passenger reluctance to die could likely mean that they can be rallied into action very quickly. I calculated that our age gives us some primal level of authority over the young hijackers that might be able to override some of their training. Our age also gives us some understanding into human nature which we could use as a weapon. I move these into the strength column. I look around at what I have as assets. I have a cup of coffee. I have the elderly lady. I have an Irish guy and his wife and I have a slim guy sitting on the far side.

A plan begins to form in my mind. I look at myself. I have brownish skin. I look almost like one of the hijackers. The first part of my plan is concerned with how to handle the two men guarding the passengers at the back of the plane. The second part of the plan needs some refinement. I need to work out how to get the man guarding the pilot cabin away from the narrow hallway.
If that succeeds, a plan is required to get the door open quickly before the pilots have time to ditch the plane. Once the door is open, the pilot is still able to take the plane down unless he is instantly incapacitated.

To win the fight to regain the plane, each thug would have to be lured away from his post and dispatched quietly and quickly.



I take a few more minutes to think through the ideas and then I signal the woman by waving my arm. She taps the redheaded man again and he looks over at me.
I stare intently at the two of them. I point sharply at myself and slowly signal a coil going around my head. The man and the woman look at each other puzzled. I continue. I point at myself and then I join my hands as though in prayer. Then I point sharply at them and then I make a fist and mimic a punch at my own face.

The Irish man turns to the woman. He whispers something to her and then turns back and points at me, makes a fist and jabs. I nod twice. He returns the nod and he leans out of sight and passes the massage to the slim man beside him.
I clear my throat and get the attention of the elderly lady knitting two seats down from me. I point to the blue length of cloth she was knitting. She smiled through worn teeth. I reach over two seats to touch it. She is unsure but she let me touch it. She turns to look at the woman with the Irish man behind her. The woman smiles and nods her head encouragingly. The lady hands me the woollen strip. I wink at her and begin to wrap it around my head. I can feel some sweat on my forehead. I try to relax and think of nothing but my blue turban.

I tuck the end of the strip underneath the folds.
I take the two packets of artificial sweetener and dump the contents into my hand. I the patt my hand over my dark moustache hoping to make it look white and in turn make me look far older.

Slowly I stand up and step into the aisle trying to look as old and feeble as possible.
“Mecca, Mecca”, I call out. One of the guards screams at me instructing me to sit down.

I hold my hands limply in front of me feigning blindness and confusion. “Mecca, Mecca”, I bellow louder. I fall to the ground on my knees and start bowing towards the West. I call out again “ Mecca, Mecca”. The two guards look at each other unsure of what to do. I stand up and turn another direction and start to bow down all the while bellowing “Mecca, Mecca”.

I face my Irish friend and wink discreetly at him and make a fist as I continue feigning confusion and distress. The Irish man and the woman spring to action and begin to strike me and tell me to shut up. The slim man also stands up and throws a magazine at me. I yell feebly and start limping towards the back of the plane. “Mecca, Mecca, Pray, Pray”, I continue as my team follows hitting and screaming at me to stop the noise.
To the guards, an old blind Muslim man trying to say his prayers is being attacked by filthy infidels. The same sense of injustice that brought the thugs to the United States will likely bring them to the back of the plane.

I steal a glance behind us and see the brave champions of Islam leave their posts and pursue us towards the back of the plane.

I am now in my mid 30's. Most of my childhood foolishness has been driven from me by the realities of life. My hair is already turning white and my eyes have lost the cockiness of youth in exchange for a humble steady gaze at the ground. My shoulders used to jut out to the sides like padded business suits from the 80's. Now, they slump with the weariness of lifetimes.

Occasionally, my car radio is tuned to the top-forty FM station and I hear something like this:

Ohhh Baby Baby, you really get me goin'
Ohhh Baby Baby, you really get me hard,
Ohhh Baby Baby, you really touch me right,
Ohhh Baby Baby, you .....

By this time, my eyes have rolled back in their sockets and I am ready to ram my car into the first concrete barrier I arrive at where my car will mercifully burst into a white-hot inferno and my eardrums can receive their due punishment for transducing such vile mediocrity into my brain.

In what kind of world do I live where such fare is served into the airwaves without warning to listeners that untreated feces is about to be modulated at the frequency of 85.6 hertz directly into one’s car?

After pondering the sorry state of my country, I have decided to start a club of nations that are English speaking and/or which are faithful adherents to the tenets of democracy and to the general precepts of common law. Such a club would have, as it’s main purpose, the protection of a just civilization under which citizens would live in freedom to pursue their own happiness but without the top-forty type songs.

Here is a list of countries that are members of the commonwealth or which were once under the direct rule of Great Britain for long enough to acquire English as an official language. These countries also may have at one time had Common Law as the basis of their justice systems. From this list, I hope to be able to carve out my theoretical club of nations that would have the strength and will to commit to a rock solid common constitutional document.

Europe: Britain, Ireland, Cypress, Malta, Minorca, Gibraltar and Scotland
North America: Canada, USA, Bahamas and Jamaica
Asia: Hong Kong, India, Pakistan, Singapore, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Malaysia, North Borneo, Bhutan and Burma
Middle East: Israel (Once Palestine), Jordan, Iraq, Oman, Aden (Yemen), Qatar and Kuwait
Africa: Zimbabwe, South Africa, Kenya, Uganda, Nigeria, Egypt, Namibia, South Africa, Zambia, Sudan, Ghana, Tanzania, Togo, Malawi, Botswana, Sierra Leone, Lesotho, Swaziland, North Somalia, Gambia, Cameroon, Seychelles and Mauritius
Pacifica: Australia, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea,
South America: South Atlantic Islands like the Falklands, Belize and British Guyana


From Europe, I would exclude Cypress from my club. I don’t need that kind of crap. Ireland would have to disavow forever the antiques of the IRA if they wish to be included in my club of civilized nations. England would have to dump it’s crippling socialist social policy. Members of my club cannot be crime-ridden hellholes. The rest of Europe (France, Germany) is categorically banned from my club. Goose-stepping and human-sized ovens are a stain which continental Europe will not be forgiven for.

From North America, I would take both Canada and the USA. Canada would have renounce it’s allegiance to Europe. Canada would also have to dump it’s longstanding policy of being ruled by appointed judges rather than being self-ruled through it’s parliament. Canada would also have to quit it’s insane addiction to socialist policies that has weakened the country to the point of mediocrity and feebleness. Canada would have to junk it’s limp Charter of Rights which results in the continual trumping of moral madness over common sense. The United States would be allowed into my club only if it ceased it’s deficit rampage and renounced social policy that dragged the country into near-insurmountable debt. My exclusive club only admits members that are fiscally responsible.

From the Middle East, I would admit Israel into my club. It is democratic and fully understands the consequences of ceding the initiative over to totalitarian terrorists. Iraq would also qualify because it was briefly under Viceroy Bremer representing the United States which itself carries a membership to our club. The Iraqi people defied the fate of death to vote in their recent election and showed the world the type of spirit needed to sustain freedom. Iraq would have to foreswear anti-Semitism and insane alliance to the Religion of Peace. Afghanistan also attains membership through the same mechanism as Iraq. The rest of the countries in the Middle East have a zombie-like allegiance to The Religion of Peace and are thus unsuitable for my club.

From Africa, I would select South Africa, Kenya, Uganda, Nigeria, Ghana, Togo, and Malawi. These countries are in desperate shape but they have large English speaking populations and there is a glimmer of hope that their fledgling democracies will take hold. A few covert military actions could have their corrupt systems cleaned up fairly easily. South Africa could perhaps be convinced to dump it’s insane Marxist plan. If it fails to discard it’s ANC foolishness and fails to build a just society, SA would be ejected forcibly from my club. Nigeria would have to bring it’s Northern Islamic region into full submission. The beheading of mothers is strictly disallowed in my club. The rest of the African countries (Like Sudan, Zimbabwe and Egypt) suck beyond repair and I would thus exclude them. If Southern Sudan were able to get it together, I would welcome the splitting of the country into a northern sector filled will Arabs and a southern Sector filled with Africans. I would accept the Southern part.

Asia is tricky. I want Hong Kong but she has already been sold over to China. I would take India. I love the thought of a democracy 1 billion strong. India is cool. I would not accept Pakistan’s application except if it were to hand over Osama’s head on a platter in a resplendent ceremony attended by dignitaries from my club of nations. I would personally receive this head from Pakistani Tribal leaders at which point I would drop-kick it through the nearby ceremonial goal posts for my three points.

From Asia, I would also take Burma, Bhutan and Singapore. Burma in particular supplies an array of fine tapestries of which I am very fond. I would discard Malaysia and Sri Lanka. Who needs all that jungle fighting and anti-Semitism?

From the Pacific, I would sign up Australia which, in it’s current state, most resembles the idealized member country. New Zealand would also be signed up even though it has an overly strong leaning towards socialism. In the late 80’s, New Zealand suffered a financial chastisement but seems to have forgotten the lesson. She will have to commit to rational policies before she can be admitted. From the Pacific Region, I would admit Papua New Guinea. Australia is currently working on that nation and things should turn out OK. The last region to consider is South America. Sadly, much of South America was dominated by Portugal and Spain. Only British Guyana, now called Guyana, was under British control. I would accept Guyana along with Argentina, Brazil and Chile. These countries are attempting to operate democratically and so are potential allies in cause of freedom. Columbia and the rest of those little countries that operate in a state of permanent chaos will have to wait indefinitely for their memberships into my club.

The first order of business is to list all the members of the club in alphabetical order and their populations. The second order of business is to find a suitable name for this club. The third order of business is to draft our constitution.

First things First:

Member Name, Population

Afghanistan, 28,514,000
Argentina, 37,880,000
Australia, 20,125,000
Bahamas, 317,000
Belize, 276,000
Bhutan, 967,000
Botswana, 1,684,000
Brazil, 179,091,000
Britain, 59,675,000
Burma, 42,720,196
Canada, 32,507,874
Chile, 15,988,000
Falklands, 3,000
Ghana, 21,377,000
Gibraltar, 27,000
Guyana, 767,000
India, 1,086,640,000
Iraq, 25,856,000
Ireland, 4,057,000
Israel, 6,807,000
Jamaica, 2,643,000
Kenya, 32,420,0
Malawi, 11,938,0
Malta, 399,000
Mexico, 106,204,000
New Zealand, 4,071,000
Nigeria, 137,253,000
Pakistan, 159,196,000
Papua N.Guinea, 5,680,000
South Africa, 46,906,000
Sudan, 39,148,000
Tanzania, 36,106,000
Togo, 5,557,000
Uganda, 26,083,000
USA, 293,633,000
Zambia, 10,920,000
Miscellaneous, 500,000

TOTAL: 2,432,771,070

So there you have it.

The union of democratic countries that properly excludes France, Germany, Belgium and other countries that feel that subservience to the Religion of Peace is a good and wholesome thing.

What shall I call my club of nations?

The name “Anglosphere” has been championed by many but I shall name it, "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY". For purposes of abbreviation, I shall call this great union of nations, LOHAG (Pronunciation :- Low + Hag).

What flag shall the Union of Lohag ride under?

To begin, the colours that are currently on all the flags of the countries of the Union of Lohag shall be mixed in equal parts and the resulting colour (estimated to be a purple-tinged beige) shall compose the background. Each nation shall then submit the average skin colour of it’s citizens (taken at the height of summer). These averages shall then be averaged and the resulting yellowish brown shall be the colour of 24 horizontal bars and 7 vertical bars that shall criss-cross the beige background. The 24 horizontal bars and the 7 vertical bars shall represent the hours each day and the days each week that the citizens of Lohag shall strive to attain justice and liberty for all. This flag shall look like a plaid leisure suit but will fly with pride over our glorious capital, New Jersey.

LOHAG's CONSTITUTION:

We, the people of Lohag, with the fervent aspirations to life, liberty and all the rest of it, hereby declare this 4th day of February the 2005th year, that our founding document shall be a photocopy of the constitution of the United States but with some addendums stapled to the said copy.

Below are listed the addendums to the first part of Lohag's constitution which is (in fact) the constitutional document currently used by the peoples of the United States (themselves being signatories to this Constitution as well as being funders of much of this endeavour). Whereas the peoples of those United States have found ways to misinterpret their own constitution, the addendums to follow shall contain checks and balances to properly check and balance the checks and balances found within the text and spirit of the constitution of the United States.

Whereas the peoples of the United States may feel that the rest of us who have purchased their constitution (at the cost of whatever Kinkos charges for the copies and emailing of documents) are somewhat second-string to themselves because we adopted their constitution rather than draft one from scratch, it falls upon us to remind them of the fact that we are all equal in the new Union of Lohag. Even though the Americans had full use of their constitution for more than 200 years before the rest of us, this fact shall not be used as a blunt instrument to intimidate the newer users of the document.

Addendum 1:

All nations shall remain fully and succinctly autonomous under the umbrella of Lohag and her mighty powers. Many nations may insist that the central authority of Lohag use it’s influence over more prosperous member nations to compel them to make large payments to bring a more equitable economic condition to the Empire of Lohag. It is thus declared here and forever henceforth that at no time shall it be considered a worthy cause to make all people and regions economically equal. All people are guaranteed the right to attempt to be equal to others and even to surpass them but at no time shall this pursuit be an exercise of the Central Authority of Lohag or any other agency associated with the Central Authority of Lohag.

Addendum 2:

The powers of the Central Authority of Lohag shall be strictly restricted and constrained to the following activities:

a) Publishing of songs and poems required for ceremonial days of remembrance and celebration. These songs and poems shall be vetted by the Song and Poem Committee that is to be chaired by a person chosen by a simple majority of all leaders of Lohag’s member nations.

b) Selecting paint and decorative improvement to buildings handed over to the Central Authority of Lohag by corporations and individuals who, having finished using them, do not want to incur the expenses associated with demolishing said buildings. All offices used by the Central Authority of Lohag shall be obtained in this manner. Let it be said that the Central Authority of Lohag shall not secretly force individuals and corporations to hand over buildings that the Central Authority desires. The Central Authority cannot at any time or in any fashion send a secret letter to an individual or corporation informing that individual or corporation that failure to voluntarily hand over a building will result in the appearance of tax auditors at their doorstep. The Central Authority is also strictly forbidden to write a letter to an individual or corporation threatening that person or entity with something nasty if the press and/or blogosphere are informed of an original letter that was sent to compel an individual or corporation to hand over a building that they are not quite done with.

c) Defending all the lands of Lohag. From each member nation, a sum of money shall be extracted as a percentage of each nation’s GDP. The sum of cash shall be pooled together and counted. After the counting process is complete, bids shall be entertained from all the worlds greatest defence contractors. From these contractors shall be obtained the most advanced and fearsome defence network the world will ever know. It shall be made known that if one member state is attacked, it will be as though the entire union of Lohag has been attacked (similar to NATO but without the snivelling French). To attack the pitiful and slovenly member nation of Zambia shall invite the same wrathful and devastating response as attacking a more accomplished member nation.

Addendum 3:

Most favoured trading status shall be given to the member nations. Nations shall NOT trade with nations that are a threat to Lohag. Trading with and thus strengthening enemy states is detrimental to the well-being of Lohag. Present-day China is a good example of a country that has been strengthened by trade even though it has no good intentions for those that trade with it.

Addendum 4:

All member nations shall follow their own laws except where they directly contradict the tenets of the Constitution of the United States (attached). If, for example, a member nation has a law that requires the flogging of grandmothers who have baked apple pies with less than flaky crusts, the Constitution of the United States shall be examined with care and upon discovering the right to privacy enshrined between the penumbras of the first and second amendment, the grandmothers shall be acquitted of the charge of non-flaky baking and released into the custody of their families.

Addendum 5:

The phrase “Oh Baby, Baby” and phrases belonging to the same family like “Ooooh Baby light my fire” and “It’s getting hot in heeeere, so take off all your clothes”, shall be banned in all member nations. These words shall NOT be sung, spoken or even muttered under one’s breath. To dare to broadcast songs and utterances laced with such phrases shall cause the Central Authority of Lohag to automatically launch a tactical nuclear strike on the general area surrounding the source of the broadcast signal. All costs surrounding the strike shall be charged to the record label responsible for the offending song.

To be continued…..

If this is love,...what is that stuff over there?

- Anonymous